Most days, I’m at home with my “grandson” watching “Moana” over and over and over and you get the point. The other day, I was sitting with him, once again, somewhat watching / somewhat listening to Moana singing to Te’Ka (“Know Who You Are”) when I heard….

“They have stolen the heart from inside you, but this does not define you. This is not who you are. You know who you are.”

It hit me! I had been Te’Ka. Oh Lord, I had been a fire monster! My heart had felt like it wasn’t there anymore. I was a raging mess. Angry at so many things. Hurting from the pain of so much. It progressed in this way…the hurt fueled my anger which ignited the rage and, subsequently, turned me into a fiery monster. INSIDE.

On the outside, I appeared to be a divorced mom who was holding it together (I thought). I put on a smile when needed. Held back tears until alone in my bedroom. Swallowed my hurt. Suppressed my anger. Kept the rage under wraps. A few times my children would see cracks in my armor and Te’ka would appear briefly. But, mostly, I tried like hell to put on a show. Business as usual.

And for what? Because I was afraid to be weak? Afraid to be honest? Afraid to give in and admit defeat? Thinking I was some broken excuse for a woman, I pretended to be anyone but me. Anything but broken. Talk about not living genuinely. But, even with the denial…even with the turmoil….even as a fire monster, I knew, somewhere deep inside of me, I still existed. Te’Ka’s heart was stolen. Mine wasn’t. It was there. It was just battered and bruised. My heart didn’t define me, but my denial was creating a shift in thinking that was beginning to define me. Making me someone I wasn’t.

Te’ka’s heart needed to be restored for her to transform. Mine just needed some TLC. I needed to care for myself. Admit to myself what I was going through. Be brave enough to reach out for help. And above all, admit my feelings. I needed to shift my way of thinking. A loss doesn’t have to define us. A broken heart doesn’t have to define us.

I believe who we truly are is embedded in us. From the moment our souls are created, our genuine self takes form. Our perception of who we are can be altered by experiences or outside influences. But if we can acknowledge these shifts in perspective and resolve them, we can get back to who we were meant to be. Once I did that, I remembered who I was and that I define me. Thanks, Moana!