This morning I sat down to write this newest addition to my blog. It’s important to me to post it today. Today is my ex-husband’s wedding anniversary to his second wife. The wedding anniversary comes the week after our divorce “anniversary”.  Both happened in the same year. In case you think you misread that, my ex-husband married his girlfriend a week after our divorce was final. A mere few days after he announced his official engagement on Facebook. He didn’t get around to telling our children and me until a month later that he had remarried. I’m not here to delve into whether that was a right decision or a wrong decision on his behalf. This article is on my blog. Not his. He can write an article on a blog if he wants. The point is that I wanted to write this today, and I wanted it to be from my perspective…. which is basically what a blog is for, right?

So, this morning, I began writing a beautifully, articulated, self-enlightened piece on what I went through and the healing process that has been taking place since then and………. I wanted to puke. I mean I was sick inside from the anger. If I’m going to be genuine and raw, as I promised, then I’m going to tell you exactly how I felt……exactly how I feel. I was so mad that I wanted to scream. I was pissed. Screw self-enlightenment. I’m still angry. I know all the lessons I learned and how much stronger I am, now, then I was back then. I know my ex-husband is entitled to be happy. I know that his girlfriend wasn’t the only issue in our marriage…. yeah, yeah, yeah. I KNOW all that. It doesn’t change the fact that I’m mad. I’m pissed. I’m furious. Not about the marriage ending in divorce. About where my life has taken me over the years. About what my children have been through over the years since this all began. I’m, even, still angry at how he handled our divorce proceedings and his remarriage. I’m mad about the mistakes that I made because of my emotions and my denial of how I was suffering. So, no, I don’t want to be enlightened today. I want to be angry. For once, I want to embrace my anger. That’s right, embrace it! Anger is a healthy emotion. However, what I do with my anger is another matter altogether. If I allow myself to feel it, process it, and find a healthy way to release it, i.e., exercise (yeah…no), journaling, blogging that’s fine. Condemning my ex and his wife, destroying something, or punishing someone isn’t a healthy, acceptable, productive outlet for me. For me, journaling has been incredibly therapeutic and positive. I still may give exercise a try, but baby steps…baby…steps.

So, yes, “Bitter, Party of One, your table is ready.”. All of my children have quoted that to me from time to time since 2009. Perhaps, my children will be happy to read that I’m admitting to being bitter, petty, jaded. Am I proud of that? No. Not only no, but HELL NO. But, it’s life. It’s what can happen when your marriage ends, and your ex-husband gets his “happily ever after” and you get the sleepless night, no breaks, bills, chores, failed relationships, and even a protective order (because online dating was such a great idea). I didn’t expect to be fifty years old, living alone with my children, divorced, in a state away from my family and my best friend, no career, no social life, and a floundering sense of identity. So yeah, it stings. Even seven years after the divorce, nine years after he moved out, it hurts. It makes me angry and bitter. And that’s ok. I’m allowed to feel that way. It’s my life. They’re my emotions. It happened to me. No one gets to say that’s wrong. No one gets to tell me I’m not allowed to feel this way. Accepting my feelings as valid has always been a hard concept for me to embrace. I was conditioned to believe I was wrong about everything. So, naturally, I thought I could be wrong for feeling a certain way. That’s how I used to think, but now, I know I can’t be wrong. It is what it is. I know that now. It’s ok to be mad. My anger is what pushes me to go to a support group meeting tonight, to organize my basement once this is posted, and to read article after article on healing, boundaries, self-awareness, etc. My anger is just a part of this journey. Anger, bitterness, the occasional petty remark (under my breath). Those are typical during the surviving portion of divorce. I just have to be careful how I behave and what I say. Feeling something is one thing. Acting out is another. I try very hard to balance my emotions, explain my feelings, and limit exposing my children to too much. Although we are probably one of the most open families I know, I do shield them from specific events and emotions when I feel it would do more harm than good. Even though this is my journey, being their mother is a journey I started long before and one that I take very seriously. Balance is everything. It is possible to be on more than one journey and successfully navigate both. I firmly believe that. Success doesn’t have to mean perfect….in fact; it doesn’t. It’s about surviving in this case. And, in this case, we are, in fact, surviving.