I always envision other bloggers sitting in Pinterest-styled offices, wearing the perfect seasonal ensemble, hair pinned back in a “messy” up-do that’s still stylish ( like they just left the salon). And, their makeup is to die for. I mean it’s on point. You know…the latest youtube tutorial on the perfect highlighting techniques that everybody’s watching. While I, on the other hand, sit in my kitchen with books and bags haphazardly toss on chairs and counters, sporting mismatched sweats topped with a messy…I’m talking really messy bun that no stylist would claim as their own work. And at this moment as I have these visions and reality checks, I wrestle with the topic of my post and with the fact that I didn’t write since last week.  There are a couple of reasons I’m struggling. First, I really hate when I can’t keep a commitment I’ve made to myself. Second, I feel as though when writing a blog you should have your sh……ah, crap together. But since this whole blog idea was based on the premise of honesty. I decided to just write.

So here’s reality…..

Last Friday night, I had planned to write a blog about how strangers have been coming from all over the country to share support and encouragement on our facebook page and the positive effects resulting from that and the “Ripple Effect”.  That was my goal. My psyche, however, had other plans. It decided to team up with my hormones (gotta love Fifty!) and create a black hole that was pulling me in quicker than I wanted it to. So instead of writing a blog post, updating my website, facebook page, and facebook group, I was embracing the feeling of being a fraud and a failure. That’s not a good description for a blogger. But, I’m being honest and admitting that I was stumbling, breaking down, feeling exhausted, feeling sick and was trying to take care of myself. I gave in to the tears, the doubts, and the criticism. I had a pity party like I’ve had before and most likely will again. I’m not ashamed to admit that. It happens. But I’m here to write about it passing, or in this case, getting shut down! Pity parties don’t have to go on and on. They can actually come to an abrupt stop. You can stop them. I know it isn’t easy. Sometimes, I don’t want to halt the bad feelings. Sometimes, I want to wallow a bit longer. But during this party, when my daughter needed poster board for a project, and I saw the last drop of milk in the only gallon in our frig, I knew it was time to shut the party down. See, I’m a mom first. My kids didn’t ask to be born to their dad and me. It has never been their fault I have anxiety and depression. They didn’t cause the divorce.  They are innocent when it comes to my pity parties. They have nothing to do with my setbacks. Therefore,  I’ve never been able to live with the idea that in fixing myself I might break them. Or, at the very least, affect their psyches. My troubles shouldn’t be their troubles. So I’m careful not to stay too long at my pity parties.  Mostly because I have very…very few people that can take over for me. Not that I do this whole mom stuff better than anyone else can. It’s just, literally, no one is available. So, I have to push myself to monitor my moods and to notice what triggers might start a chain reaction of downward spiraling. I’m always writing to get out emotions, thoughts, ideas. I make notes of my behavior..causes and effects. And, I read, and  I read. But, I do this all with the knowledge that not everyone has the answer and not everything works the same for everyone. I listen to my gut and let it guide me. It’s not easy or fool-proof. But, it’s how I’m managing to keep things together and heal at the same time. Of course, there is one more thing that helps tremendously. Believing.

Having a belief.

It’s surprising how much can change in twenty-four hours. In twenty-four hours, you can cry, sleep, write, and have a full blown conversation with yourself and your higher power. The big part is the higher power. Believing in something bigger than yourself. For me having faith in God gets me through each twenty-four hour period when I feel as though I have nothing left to give. For me, giving it an hour or two doesn’t seem enough time. But, waiting an unlimited period is too much to contemplate. So, twenty-four hours at a time works. You’ve heard, “One Day at A Time”.  I believe it’s in those hours that God sends His Holy Spirit to remind me of my strengths. It’s in those moments when I know that my situation is temporary. And, those are the times when a silly piece of poster board will get me out of bed, showered, and on my way to the craft store. There’s so much energy in the Universe, in a Higher Power, in the All-Mighty, in God…whatever your spiritual beliefs may be. I’ve had many spiritual paths over the years, but the one constant, in all those paths, is a higher power. A belief that I am never alone. Knowing with certainty that I will get up, be a mom, take care of my responsibilities and continue to move forward. So maybe I don’t sit in a stylish office, with the clothes, the hairdo, and makeup. Perhaps there are some days I have a pity party instead of writing a blog. It’s ok. Because in twenty-four hours, anything can happen. You just have to believe.